Childhood and High School

So much happened when I was a kid, I forgot most of it. What I know is, I wasn't very popular, not in elementary or high school. It was not the kind of "not being popular" in which nobody knows who you are, in fact, everyone knew who I was. I was the kid you went to when you wanted to feel superior, the one you teased because he wouldn't fight back.

I was never phisically abused. I was never hit by any other kid. In my opinion, it was worse. Every comment I made was made fun of, every joke I told was thrown back to my face, directed to me, receiving a bigger laughter because they were laughing at me. Every time I said anything, it was an opportunity to make fun of the weird kid. I know I may be exaggerating, but that's how it felt, I think I was about eleven years old when this started, and it continued on for years and years, until I was a quiet and shy child. I was never very talkative by any means, I was always very quiet and shy. But this made it worse. This kind of... abuse. It made me think of myself as less than a person, I thought I was not meant to be happy. I thought I was worth less than everybody else. By the time I was thirteen, my grades started to go down. By the time I was fifteen, I was struggling with almost every subject in school. The problem was not that I didn't understand, the problem was that I didn't have the motivation to work. Why would I want to? I was not worth the effort, and if I was, everybody was going to laugh at it anyway so why bother?

This continued on until I was sixteen. I still didn't talk to many people. Most of my friends were online friends, and two of my closest friends I barely talked to in school. I felt like an outcast, but thanks to a teacher who took notice, I was sent to therapy and I was prescribed antidepressants. I took those for about a year, kept going to therapy and got better, but the damage was already done. Chemically, I was better, but in my mind, I was still feeling like my life was not worth the same as any other life. I graduated, still struggling with my classes, and in an attempt to feel at least a little bit better, I took the chance in one of the reunions the school organized to say to everyone "I forgive you". Everyone understood what I was talking about, and some of my classmates even came to me later to personally say "sorry". I thought it was going to be better after that. It wasn't. The looming feeling of worthlessness was already planted in my mind, and the roots were still there, and they staid there for years to come.